I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
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Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman