I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises