Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad