Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
#Caturday
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.