Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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“Why you watching this shit?”
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft