applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
You Might Also Like
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Optional boss fight.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.