*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
grotesque if literal: baby food
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.