*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.