An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
water it, i dare you
same vibe as tangled headphones