If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Nothing.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.