I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
You Might Also Like
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
sistine chapel
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
superman landing like a plane on his belly
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know