I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.