[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
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Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.