Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you