me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
You Might Also Like
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
OKAY DAD
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
is this store having a stroke wtf
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)