my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
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Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.