all toddlers look the same when telling a story
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.