Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
my mind
You just read my mind
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.