You Might Also Like
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
This might be the funniest tweet ever
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Nigella has gone too far this time.