[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
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My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
#parenting
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Aaaa…CHOO!
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.