[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I created you as mosquito food.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”