[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You Might Also Like
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.