1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
it must be school picture day
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.