Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
When someone says you are so lazy
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing