My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15