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Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.