Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?