if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
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PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there