I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
the red hot silly peppers
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.