guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
This is why I hate group projects
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.