My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.