Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
You Might Also Like
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’