“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I think I’m having a stroke
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.