The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail