My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
You Might Also Like
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth