What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
You Might Also Like
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.