You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU