I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
You Might Also Like
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
He just like my cat fr
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Good morning.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Just this preview of the story is enough
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running