MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
i love meeting boys on tinder
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child