my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
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I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
tourist season
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?