There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?