*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us