my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?