Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
こいつ天才
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.