email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is