When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
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If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Just so funny
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*