I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?