I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan