My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂