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Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.